Tall Trees in Georgia

New fun fact.
If you have fantasies about involving others for a brief sexual experience within your relationship - and happen to get raped after letting this be known - your partner will dump your ass, for being honest about both things. Because that fantasy may disgust him/her, and they will think you weak for "allowing" yourself to get raped.

Don't have fantasies, kids, and don't get raped!

Also, lay some serious ground rules for your exclusive polyamorus relationships. Because if you end up not wanting to be with one of them, and the both have become attached to one another... you will likely find that they will still be fucking each other.

If you're lucky, they'll be honest about that crap.
IF, you're lucky.

If you're not, you'll find out about it after your partner has dumped your ass for being so foolish as to get raped.

You promised me the ending would be clear
You'd let me know when the time was now
Don't let me know when you're opening the door
Stab me in the dark, let me disappear

Memories that flutter like bats out of hell
Stab you from the city spires
Life wasn't worth the balance
Or the crumpled paper it was written on

Don't let me know we're invisible
Don't let me know we're invisible

Hot cash days that you trailed around
Cold cold nights under chrome and glass
Led me down river of perfumed limbs
Sent me to the streets with the good time girls

Don't let me know we're invisible
Don't let me know we're invisible
We could dance, dance, dance thru' the fire
Dance, dance, dance thru' the fire

Feed me no lies
I don't know about you, I don't know about you
Breathe through the years
I don't know about you, I don't know about you
Bring me the disco king
I don't know about you, I don't know about you
Dead or alive, bring me the disco king
Bring me the disco king, bring me the disco king
Bring me the disco king

Spin-offs with those who slept like corpses
Damp morning rays in the stiff bad clubs
Killing time in the '70s
Smelling of love through the moist winds
Don't let me know when you're opening the door
Close me in the dark, let me disappear
Soon there'll be nothing left of me
Nothing left to release

Dance, dance, dance thru' the fire
Dance, dance, dance thru' the fire
Feed me no lies
I don't know about you, I don't know about you
Breathe through the years
I don't know about you, I don't know about you
Bring me the disco king
I don't know about you, I don't know about you
Dead or alive, bring me the disco king
Bring me the disco king
Bring me the disco king, bring me the disco king
Bring me the disco king, bring me the disco king
Bring me the disco king, bring me the disco king

Amanda Palmer-Polly from manelalbert on Vimeo.

And this relationship is near ending, I can feel it in my bones. I can just feel it.

I guess no matter how much progress I make in bettering myself, my gradual pace will never be fast enough.
The mistakes I've made will never erase, and my future will always be judged by my past.

I've learned to communicate what I really mean to say and feel.
To do things for myself, not because it will make someone else happy.
To take a reign on depression.

I may not be aces yet but I'm damn well trying.

All I want, all I've ever wanted, is a family of my own. I want someone to love me as I deeply and intimately as I love them. Things it seems I will at this rate never have. Maybe I'm just 22 and impatient for my dreams to come true.

I've tested the waters. I've pushed my boundaries, some so well that I was able to break through.
But ah, how immense the shortcomings I produce.

I have waking dreams of being dead in the water... floating... eyes wide shut...
And it hasn't happened yet.

"Something serious to talk to you about"
What else could it be?


I'm not cut out for the one damn thing I want out of life, to share myself with another person.

After this.... after this.... I don't know if I can bear an after.
You can only pour your lifesblood into so many souls.



Or maybe I'll just go ahead and turn into a convent zombie like I thought I should at 14. The other options look like catlady, stripper, Stepford, or dead.

My god am I ever going to lose it this time. Fuck.

If you need a friend
Don't look to a stranger
You know in the end
I'll always be there

And when you're in doubt
And when you're in danger
Take a look all around
And I'll be there

...

When your day is through
And so is your temper
You know what to do
I'm gonna always be there

Sometimes if I shout
It's not what's intended
These words just come out
With no cross to bear

I ended up with a friends ticket to Thrill Kill. Kind of hoped I would run into you there. Was $15-20 really too much of a door price?

Please don't be like Meg. Please don't go, "Oh, woe is me, I haven't any friends, nobody cares about me, I'm a horrible person," boo-hoo BULLSHIT. Stop fishing.

Friends are right in front of you. Seek them out instead of waiting for them to come to you. Like me. Maybe it'll break you up to see me, but you're strong. I don't believe you'll be a supposed emotional cripple for the rest of ever. Why you're doing that now seriously baffles me. I chose to move on from something I had seriously fucked up, and I know that I can be happy again. I still have my quirks and breakdowns and test things that I really shouldn't. But I REFUSE to linger in my despair. I seriously cannot believe how sad and sappy you are behaving. I fucked you over, I REALLY did. But I figured out my bullshit. I didn't let what I had lost and longed for drag me down.

Maybe I'm not working a double shift day in and day out. Maybe I have someone. But I never expect life to go easy on me, and I don't whine for what troubles I do have to be lifted because oh poor me. I don't blame the system. I don't blame you. I don't blame my parents. I am the one in control of my fate and happiness.

Where is that brazenly strong guy I know is inside of you?
When can I see you?

If no one around here is going to really offer a kick to your ass I'm not going to sit around and listen to you moan. I will take a day to plant my ass on Ian's doorstep until you show up.

New York will never solve all your problems. Neither will I, or another girl. That's fuckin' up to you. Be a man, acknowledge what you want, and fight for your happiness like you've never done. Tell your parents to screw off, tell the girl you're with how you REALLY feel instead of tip-toeing about it, just waiting for shit to get shittier. Be about it. Live.

Saying things are out of reach or impossible will get you nowhere.
And stop fucking whining. When I see you, feel free to punch me out if I've crossed some kind of line. But I stand by what I'm saying now. The melodrama needs to stop. It ain't healthy.

Stop being a silly venue
And having neat things in the middle of the week.
For $10 or so that I don't have, because I need it for more "practical" things.

Looking back on my entries here... makes me feel like I've been perpetually 16 for the past two-plus years. I'm ready to grow up... do I have what it takes yet?
Or will I forever be harboring these massive emotions that take me up and sweep me away?
Shy. Wanting. Quiet. Desperate. And then loud and explosive, sometimes too late...
This dramatic sense of being is bogus, I tell you. I'm done with woe is everything, I'm done with I can't believe I'm soooo lucky.

Let's try on pride. Let's try on willpower. Let's try on something beautiful and gleaming.

One hour to get my shit together and have it presentable for midterm.
Let's see if I can keep this ship sailing.

I hope you'll know why.
This is just today.

http://blog.amandapalmer.net/post/4774252734/lay-down-your-arms-you-damned-rebels